We put the Fun in Funeral
by Lost-In-The-Muse
Summary: In which a self-proclaimed Zombie gets stabbed by Mrs. Dodds on her lunch break, and Percy just wishes he stayed at home. Not your average OC Self-Insert.


"Is this supposed to hurt?" The woman asked with a raised brow, as if she didn't have the claws of a monster buried deep into her chest. "Because darling, my eczema bothers me more than this."

It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop from across the room.

Percy was confused. So very, utterly, and completely confused. And more than a little bit terrified. One moment he was getting in trouble for fighting with Nancy Bobofit, the next he was being dragged away by his pre-alg teacher Mrs. Dodds.

Then Mrs. Dodds turns into a terrifying creature from hell and starts attacking him, and his Latin teacher shows up. Then, Mr. Brunner threw him a goddamn pen-sword-thing like he expects Percy to suddenly know how to use it, then just disappears. And finally some random woman shows up at the Ancient Greek exhibit and just casually walks into a blow meant for him.

Mrs. Dodds, the teacher that turned into an actual bat-winged monster, yanked her hand out of the woman's chest. Rich red blood clung to Mrs. Dodd's animalistic hands like dog saliva, connecting her talons to the wounds they had caused.

The grievously injured woman didn't even bat an eye. She stood there with an almost bored expression on her face as she looked down to observe what should have been a fatal injury.

"Hmmm. This is quite an unsatisfactory situation. You have just positively ruined my new jacket, it was rather expensive as well. I do hope you realise that _you_ will be the one fitting the bill for its replacement" The woman dressed in a black business suit complete with a knee-length pencil skirt and matching six-inch high heels, calmly observed.

The monster seemed to shake out of its daze. "What are you?" It snarled, showing a full set of ridiculously sharp teeth.

"A bank teller who is going to be late for her shift at work, apparently." The woman answered dryly as she tucked an auburn strand of hair behind her ear "And I'm guessing you are a furry? You must forgive me, I wasn't aware that there was a Furry Convention happening in the area. Although I wouldn't be surprised since I am not too interested in that particular subculture of society."

Percy's cheeks inflated as he made an effort to suppress his laugh. This resulted in his laugh coming out as a pig-like snort instead.

"HOW DARE YOU, PATHETIC WORM!" Mrs. Dodds roared, "I'll take you to the underworld myself! But first-" She snapped her head around to glare at Percy. "-I have to finish dealing with the lightning thief!"

The monster lunged, and Percy barely had time to swing his sword out like he had seen people do in action movies before a cloud of gold glitter exploded in his face.

Quiet.

The dust settled.

The Mrs. Dodds-monster was gone.

Mr. Brunner had been gone for a while, now.

The sword turned back into a pen.

And the woman remained.

She tutted as she pulled out a pristine white handkerchief out of her purse and began dabbing at her torn jacket and blood soaked blouse. "Ah, now that is a downright shame. I suppose I will be unable to haggle her into getting me a new jacket, then?" The woman sighed. "How utterly rude of her. You would think that she would have the courtesy to at least apologies for what she had done before going off and getting herself killed."

"Alright, what just happened?" the twelve year old boy blurted out, two seconds away from bursting into tears of confusion.

The woman glanced over at him, "Magic-Land business I suppose. Not really something I planned to walk into today. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to change shirts. I can't walk around in this for the rest of the day now, can I?" she said gesturing to her gouged torso.

She was still bleeding. The woman must have lost enough blood by now to die of blood loss.

Then the woman turned to leave.

"Wait! Do you know why my math teacher turned into a bat-monster? Why'd the pen turn into a sword? Why'd Mr. Brunner throw it at me? What's going on? Who are you? How are you not dead yet?!" Percy word vomited as he tried to call after her, but she had already disappeared into the nearest woman's bathroom.

He stood frozen in the middle of the Ancient Greek exhibit.

It was quiet. Even though it was the middle of the day, there was no one around. That just unsettled Percy even more, and he was already on the edge of completely losing his gosh darn mind. His brain was still working overtime to process everything that had just happened in the span of less than five minutes.

It was too much. He needed to sit down.

So the twelve year old trudged to a nearby bench, dragging his weary feet across the floors causing his sneakers to squeak with each step.

He sat, propped his elbows up on his knees, and buried his head into his hands. Percy didn't know how long he sat there for. Maybe a few minutes, maybe a few hours. Who honestly could tell?

But what brought him out of his daze was the sound of a door swinging open behind him. Percy snapped his head up and whirled around in his seat.

"Oh, you're still here?" The woman said as she emerged from the lady's room. Her destroyed jacket and bloodstained blouse were gone, whether she had thrown them away entirely or simply stuffed them into that purse she was carrying, Percy wasn't sure.

But now she was wearing a light pink plaid dress shirt, looking clean and fresh. There was no blood on her, no guts, no gash marks, no nothing. No hit whatsoever that she had been impaled by a set of talons.

Percy stared for a good few moments, trying to see the blood from the massive gouges she must've had on her chest soaking through her shirt. But it never did.

"Oh, darling, do you need a moment to calm down? You look as though you are about to catch your death." The woman exclaimed, and suddenly she was beside Percy.

A high pitched and hysterical giggle escaped Percy's lips involuntarily, "You shouldn't be moving right now. I saw you get stabbed! That monster's claws went right through you! You should have died!"

The woman simply smiled at Percy, as if what he had just said amused her more than anything else. "Well, I _am_ a zombie. And I have found that zombies are loads more durable than humans are."

Percy didn't even try to hide the utter disbelief he was feeling, "A _zombie_?" and then he paused, "How come you're not trying to eat my brains?"

"Would you like me to?" she asked.

"No!" Percy said quickly.

"Good, making a lunch out of bodily organs does not sound appetizing, and I don't care to try."

"But you're just- I don't know- It's not- You don't seem like a normal zombie."

The strange woman really didn't look like she was a rotting corpse out raze humanity down to the ground with an incurable plague. She looked, well, normal. Just looked like a fancy woman who worked at some fancy bank. Nothing at all like the zombies Percy had seen on TV.

She just looked like any regular adult who had their life together.

"I may not be a zombie in a traditional sense," The woman began explaining, "But that is honestly the closest explanation I have come up with that describes my situation. You did see me get hit, right?"  
Percy nodded mutely. How could he forget the way the woman's blood squirting out of her like the water fountain outside the museum? Just the thought of it made his him feel like the contents of his lunch were trying to make their way up his esophagus.

The woman gave Percy a sympathetic smile, "That is precisely my reason as to why I believe that I am a zombie, darling. Or at least a member of the undead. At the very least, I most certainly have lost count how many times I've been brutally maimed, or murdered since arriving in this universe."

Percy was almost too afraid to ask, "...this universe?..."

The woman hummed affirmatively, "There is a multiverse out there, darling. I would delve deeper into it, but I do not entirely understand the particulars myself. All I know is that I died in one universe, and woke up in a new one."

Percy stared at her, "You're crazy. Just… absolutely crazy."

"Perhaps," the woman conceded, "When one has died as many times as I have, it is a reasonable assumption to make that a few brain cells met their permanent end in the process."

"Um… Ok? Alright, what do you know about Mrs. Dodds, then? What _was_ she?"

The woman blinked, "A furry."

Percy blinked back.

"I thought it was quite obvious," she said, holding her hands up as if signifying her surrender. "Although to be fair, furries are typically very docile and quiet friendly. The human ones at least."

There was a lull in the conversation, and Percy coughed awkwardly into his sleeve.

His hands weren't trembling as much as they did when Mrs. Dodds transformed into a… furry. He was feeling a bit better. Apparently, talking about nonsense and asking questions had a genuinely calming effect on him.

But this lady was still a stranger, and as well meaning as her actions had been so far, Percy really couldn't say if he trusted her or not.

"I think I have to go now," Percy mumbled as he slid off of the bench, "rejoin my classmates and all of that."  
"Oh yes of course, darling," The woman said, nodding seriously, "Here, I will walk you back to your peers. It would not do if you were attacked by another furry so soon."

"Hehehe, yeah…"

The two lapsed into a bout of silence. Percy began walking in the direction he remembered taking with Mrs. Dodds, and the strange woman followed behind him.

Aaaand he really needed to figure out her name. He couldn't just keep calling her 'The Woman' in his head for the rest of his life.

"Hey, I didn't catch your name." Percy said, trying to be as casual as possible.

"You may refer to me as Miss. Sue." Miss Sue said in the way Percy's social studies teacher would always half heartedly remind his students to call him 'Sir' but no one did, and at that point of the year it was really just a force of habit.

"Cool, I'm Percy."

"A pleasure to meet you Percy," Miss Sue said warmly, "Although I wish it were under slightly better circumstances."

"Yeah," Percy said before he continued on with his bombardment of questions. If he didn't ask now, he wasn't sure when he'd get any answers at all.

"How come you told me all of that stuff?"

"What stuff?"  
"The stuff about you being a Zombie and Mrs. Dodds being a furry, whatever it means."

Miss. Sue looked at Percy as if he'd just asked if hamsters were a good substitute for toilet plungers. "Well, you asked, darling. And I answered." She said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Which it kinda was, but it wasn't what Percy was trying to get at.

"Yeah, but I mean isn't all of this magic stuff supposed to be a secret? Like in Harry Potter? Are you going to get in trouble for telling me?"

Miss Sue paused for a moment, but she didn't once flounder in her steps, "Maybe. I am not entirely sure. I have only been in this universe for about a year or so, and in contact with the mysterious force for a little less than that. To be frank, I am quite new at all of this myself."

Percy couldn't stop himself from wincing, "Do I even want to ask about the mysterious force?"

Miss Sue brightened, "Of course you should! One should always ask questions of everyone and everything. Particularly if it is of the philosophical nature, such as the prospect that your existence is simply a simulation born out of the mind of a procrastinating college student doing everything except for what they should be doing which is to sit down to actually study for their final exams."

The woman looked up at the ceiling and tutted, "I see you there, author. You cannot hope to hide your transgressions from me. Finish making your History flashcards, then we will continue. Percy and I will both be here when you are done."

Percy glanced from Miss Sue, to the spot on the ceiling that she was staring at, then back to Miss. Sue. He did this a few more times as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other.

He legitimately did not think this lady could get any weirder, but here she was. Talking to nothing as if it were the most normal thing in the world.

"Uuuh, Miss Sue?" His question seemed to snap her out of whatever daze that she had fallen under. She shook her head and smiled, "Of course I am. Although I would like to say one more thing, but addressed to my dearest readers this time."

Miss Sue looked up at the ceiling again, "I am holding an intervention and placing all of you under a mandatory hydration break. Nobody goes past this checkpoint without taking a drink of water." Then she paused for a few beats, "Thank you, darlings! Stay healthy, and do not neglect your studies!" She chimed and then resumed walking.

Ok, Percy was really starting to question his decision to ask this lady anything. She sounded like a complete lunatic with her ranting about authors and readers and all of that crazy business.

Miss Sue was clearly delusional, and hit her head against the wall one too many times. The best thing for Percy to do right now would be to run back outside to the rest of his classmates and get someone sane to help him, like Mr. Brunner.

Only Mr. Brunner was in on this too. He had been in the room with Percy when Mrs. Dodds turned into whatever that creature was. Mr. Brunner _had_ to know something about all of this.

As much as Percy was grateful for Miss Sue's willingness to answer his questions, she didn't appear to be exactly what Percy would call 'stable'. Additionally he was still partially waiting for her to attack him just like Mrs Dodds did.

Percy nearly cried tears of joy when the two of them reached the entrance of the museum.

It had started raining, but all of his classmates were all still there. Nancy Bobofit was scowling under a tree along with her posse of henchmen ready to answer her every beck and call. Grover was fidgeting nervously by the water fountain, passing a crumpled up piece of paper that must have been his museum map from one hand to another like he was playing a one-man game of catch.

And Mr. Brunner sat there in his wheelchair, red umbrella out and reading a book as if he hadn't moved from his spot at all.

Percy wasted no time and practically sprinted over to his Latin teacher. He ignored Nancy as she yelled something at him as he passed, and he didn't even bother to glance back to check to see if Miss Sue was still following him.

He did briefly wave at Grover however, but Percy guessed that his friend didn't see him because Grover didn't even look up.

By the time Percy skidded to a halt beside Mr. Brunner, the rain had begun to dampen Percy's cloths.

"Mr. Brunner!" The twelve year old gasped out as he struggled to regain his breath, "What happened back there?!"

"Ah, Mr. Jackson," Mr. Brunner said as he glanced down at Percy's hand, "Thank you for finding my Pen. I was looking all over the place for it," he said with a hearty chuckle.

Percy's brain short-circuited, "What?"

Mr. Brunner opened his mouth to say something, but that was the moment that Miss Sue decided to reenter the scene. By then she had managed to catch up with Percy, looking none the worse for wear.

"Hello," She greeted, "Are you this young man's teacher?"

Mr. Brunner gave Miss Sue a weird look, "Yes, and you're his teacher too."

"_What?_" Percy's voice reached a higher octave than he thought possible. He whirled around only to see a serene smile plastered over Miss Sue's face.

The woman closed her eyes and nodded, "Excellent! Well you see, we had an unfortunate run in with a person wearing a fursuit of a bat and-" her eyes snapped open, "_wait"_

It was as if Mr. Brunner's words were only now registering in Miss Sue's brain. And for the first time in the ten wild minutes that Percy had known her, Miss Sue looked genuinely surprised. "Pardon me, but did you say that I am a teacher?"

"Indeed, Miss. Sue," Percy's Latin teacher said, a slightly concerned expression worming its way onto his face, "You are the other chaperon on this trip, remember?"

Percy shared a bewildered glance with Miss Sue. She looked just as lost as Percy felt he was.

He was 100% certain that this weird lady did not work at Yancy Academy, nor did she come on the bus with the rest of the students that morning for the field trip. Percy didn't know what Mr. Brunner was trying to play at or why he seemed to be trying to convince Miss Sue that she was a teacher.

Percy was pretty sure that Miss. Sue had said that she was a bank teller.

This was all just getting weirder and weirder by the minute.

"Sir, she's not a teacher." Percy said trying to defuse the situation.

But at the same time Miss Sue happily clapped her hands together and cheerfully said, "Oh, yes. Silly me! Of course I am a teacher! You _must_ excuse my poor memory, it has been an awfully long day. "

That was it, the world stopped making sense. When Mr. Brunner didn't say anything to argue against Miss. Sue's claim, Percy was just about ready to throw his hands up and give up.

"Sir," Percy tried one last time, "What happened to Mrs. Dodds? The real chaperon?"

"Percy, Miss Sue was the only other teacher to come on this trip. And as far as I know there has never been a Mrs. Dodds at Yancy academy. Are you feeling alright? " Mr. Brunner responded, carefully closing his book.

And now… Percy was just at a loss for words. He didn't know how to respond.

While Percy was standing there, opening and closing his mouth like a goldfish as he tried to get his vocal cords to work, Miss Sue started talking again.

"Perhaps, Mr. Percy here has been out in the sun for far longer than is healthy," Miss Sue gestured at the cloudy sky. There was a flash of lightning in the distance and a boom of thunder followed, "I'll take him back to the bus where he can rest until it is time to return to the school. As his geometry teacher-"

"-Pre-algebra teacher," Mr. Brunner corrected.

"-Yes, like I said, as Mr. Percy's pre-algebra teacher," Miss Sue continued without missing a beat, "it is my duty to ensure his health and safety on this very important field trip all about Ancient Egypt-"

"-Ancient Greece," Mr. Brunner corrected again, starting to look a little concerned.

"-All about Ancient Greece. We cannot have him fall ill now, can we?" Miss. Sue said, quickly amending her statement as she went.

Percy felt a tug at his shoulder, and suddenly he was being led towards the parking lot where the yellow school bus was parked.

He was too exhausted to struggle at this point. If Miss Sue was planning on cornering and attacking Percy just like Mrs. Dodds did, Percy just wouldn't care anymore. He just wanted to go home.

The duo approached the bus, but before Miss. Sue knocked on the doors to let the bus driver know that they were there, she turned and made eye contact.

Her face was serious. A departure from her blase nature.

"Darling," She said, "if the attack perpetrated by Mrs. Dodds is anything to go by, then Magic-Land is reaching out for you. I feel that it is imperative to inform you several rules of the universe that I have discovered since arriving here."

Shrugging his shoulders, Percy stared blankly at the weird lady, "Sure," he said without much enthusiasm. After the day he'd been having, Miss Sue couldn't possibly say anything that could surprise him.

Miss Sue held up her index finger, "First rule of fight club: Do not talk about fight club. Same thing applies to Magic-Land," She lifted a second finger, " Second rule: The Mysterious Force."

Percy suddenly realized that Miss. Sue never actually told him what the Mysterious Force was in the first place. Her conversation with the author or readers or whatever weird entity she was trying to commune with had effectively distracted Percy from asking any questions about it.

He had to remember to talk to Miss. Sue about it again at some point.

"The Mysterious Force," Miss. Sue repeated, drawing Percy out of his thoughts, "gets what the Mysterious Force wants. If you respect its power, it will aid you. In addition, it will not actively try to destroy you and your reputation."

"Is this 'Mysterious Force' the reason why you're going along with this whole teacher thing?" Percy joked, and let out a little laugh.

"Yes." Miss Sue said, no hint of humor anywhere on her face. "Believe me, if it was not for the Mysterious Force, I would be at my shift at the bank right now."

Percy's laugh petered out as an awkward moment of silence took hold. At first the Mysterious Force sounded like some sort of joke Miss. Sue was trying to con Percy into believing, but now he wasn't so sure.

"Anyway," Miss. Sue continued, holding up a third finger, "The third rule is perhaps the most important of all. I want you to listen, and listen carefully."

She leaned forward, eyes hardened and lips pulled into a thin line, "As far as I know, there exists only one species that genuinely has free will in this Universe, darling. And that is the human race.

Unfortunately, neither of us fall into that category."

**Authors Note:**

**Alright folks, here's my attempt at writing a Self-Insert based in absurdism and humor.**

**This is going to be kind of like a crack/parody fic taken seriously, with the added elements of fourth wall breaks. What you see here is pretty much the style you should expect from future chapters. Given the nature of this fanfiction and Miss. Sue's ability to break the fourth wall, this is going to be very choose-your-own-adventure-esque. Meaning that there is no strict plot to follow and you as readers can play an active part in the story.**

**Feel free to add suggestions and comments interacting with the characters. Anything can happen in the upcoming chapters!**

**I hope you all have enjoyed the first chapter of _We Put the "Fun" in Funeral_**

**Until Next time!**

**~Lost-In-The-Muse**


End file.
